Honestly
I'm not certain if I mentioned GoE in the previous post, but
Guardians of Enthia (obviously shortened to GoE) was the first (and
probably last) full length story I ever wrote. Taking multiple cues
from Lord of the Rings, Dragon Age, and Warcraft, I somehow managed
to write 45 pages of it and many more on the lore.
Of course, that
was the second draft.
The
first you might as well say was a completely different story
entirely. Being much more original (original in this case does not
mean “good”) than the second, it was written by me in 4th
to 5th
grade and was based off a roleplay that happened in some web game
(Roblox was the site, no idea which specific game in particular) that
probably lasted about 4 hours and was between me (my username being
yui810, which is what “Sir Yui” came from) and some guys named
Zero and Warhawk (who was later changed to Warius for the sake of
going along better with the story) and was completely written on
paper. That is, of course, except for two chapters posted on TPNF.
Now
I do have the original book, but instead of spending a hour copying a
mediocre book into text, I'll just use the two that were posted
(after all, this IS the TPNF section).
Yui looked
around.He was amazed winter came so early since his training.Children
were running around, throwing snowballs at each other and making
snowmen.In Sumeria, a time like this is the moment of a lifetime. But
Yui had more important job to do. Hazily, he checked the spots
along the port.
What is with me and all these fucking
cheesy beginings? Did I think this was interesting or entertaining?
This is something out of a Disney movie, not an epic fantasy.
Seaman’s
Port was made back when the first settlers from Eyrica came to
Sumeria. John Smith, the original owner of the port, owned
several bars in both Eyrica and Kathara. The port was originally
a hotel for sailors from southern port cities like Arai and
Soera. John Smith was no stranger to the forgien language and
sometimes even started conversations with them.
Well
at least our narrator this time isn't some depressed ADHD kid but
instead a tourism director.
First,
Yui checked the old Smith Hotel. He saw the archers on their
regular schedule defending the hotel. Soon Yui would command a
defensive force at the hotel since a notorious king named Bajar will
be staying there. Bajar owned most of the southern federations in the
region.
Why
the fuck is the king of the entire south staying at some shitty
hotel? Do the northerners hate them THAT badly? Take in mind I do
have a map of this world and “The south” is pretty much just this
gigantic piece of land an ocean across from the common city-states.
He
was said to be bountied in over 50 cities in the North, which
included some of the finest assassins around. Before Yui was in the
military, he was a alchemist. Before he was a alchemist, he followed
in his fathers footsteps and became an assassin. He fought, and
defeated, many great soliders in battle. Great names like Relico,
Dejurn, and Hoteri he killed, which paved the road for him being such
a successful solider.
Okay
first of all if he's bountied in 50 cities in the North why the fuck
is he there IN THE CAPITAL in the first place. Second of all, what
the fuck is with Yui's job list? First he goes from killing literally
the MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN THE SERIES (Relico) (yes this is
changed later) to saying “oh I guess i'll just try to make dirt
into gold”. I mean it could be something badass like he was trying
to hide from his past but I doubt that was what I was thinking back
then.
Chapter
2
Zero
checked the corners of the room. Never in his life had he been as
frightened as he was now. He continued into the kings kitchen,
thinking of a way to get out. It all started when he got a job from
the town's reverend to borrow a amulet. It seemed easy, but what he
didn't know was that the king was against the church.
Why
would he not know that the king was against the church? Wouldn't the
king be burning these fucking things left and right?
Right?
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