I'm
not exactly sure when this will be released (if ever), as I am
writing this before the blog has actually been created. Regardless of
that, in this sub-series (as I like to call it) I will be talking
about a multitude of stories I created when I was young and, for the
most part, really really stupid. Join me in dissecting their content
and proving that I really am probably just a poser.
The
TPNF Years – 2009-2010
A
long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far, away when people actually
played Poptropica, a friend and I made a website named TPNF
(that's the abbreviation for “The Poptropica News Flash”) on
Wordpress (You can still go there!). I found the blog as a good place
to put some of my first stories on there, as much requested by the
other friend who I shared most of them with. Though these are not
among the VERY first (and, unfortunately, not as funny) they still
have quite a bit of error.
STORY
ONE: Empty World
Honestly
I'm not sure if this or the first draft of GoE came first so this
could be either the second or first one posted on the site, yet it
was still the first story that I made that was not based upon a
roleplay or anything else. That's right, Empty World is all OC,
though its quality is another question entirely.
Including
the fact that it was the first OC, it was also one of the first (of
many stories) never to be finished. There's a reason I went into
short story making and not novels, and it's because I probably don't
have the required attention span to make one. Out of all my attempts
at long, drawn out stories, I only finished one (which we'll tackle
later) and that was it. So this story is only the first two chapters
+ a prologue and then a synopsis of what happens chapters 3-14.
Fascinating.
Prologue
Oh,
a prologue! I LOVE prologues. Practically every early
story of mine had a prologue. I'm not sure why, maybe it's just
because I HAD to explain what happened previously at the beginning of
the book for some reason and couldn't just explain it as the story
progressed.
You
know that feeling you get in your stomach? The “butterflies”.
What a name, what a name.
Excuse
me? What the fuck is this? It's like I purposely meant it this line
to be extremely cheesy and stupid and out of place. Oh wait, I did.
I
still remember that day. 2089, at Moon Outpost Uria I. We all saw a
ship. An abnormal ship. Almost surrealistic. It landed on the far
side. I turn back to our once great earth. 32 years ago, I think. I
was eighteen. They had created a new vaccine called Oia 245.
Everyone was getting it. It was said to bring eternal life.
I want to point out the fact that this
was 32 years ago and he was 18 means he would be 50 at the time of
actually writing the story, however it is described and pretty much
known as a fact to everyone around him that at the very most he's 26.
I never make my characters that old, and I probably meant the “18”
in my mind to be a “9” I was not a smart kid back then.
This could however be explained with
the fact that the “vaccine” (What does it vaccinate? Death?)
that brings eternal life worked for him, but that can be debunked two
ways: 1. It is later said that he never took it, and that everyone
who did pretty much went batshit crazy, and 2. I would've never
thought of trying to explain that because I thought it seemed normal.
Once again, I couldn't count.
But
it went wrong. All wrong. Our great world went into chaos.All of us
got evacuated to several different outposts. Uria I, Sulnan IV,
Reiven XI, and Donian VIII. A group of officials came to
the landing point of the aircraft. They never returned. We we’re
all scared. Yet, we knew something had to be done.
Wait,
what the fuck? What happened? What does a UFO have anything to do
with the virus? He somehow sets both off as if he was just saying “Oh
yeah there was a ship but then our world went into chaos for some
other reason but that's not really important either.” This guy is
possibly the worst story narrator ever, not only does he make shit
confusing but he seems so uninterested about it. Plus the fact that
he speaks in short sentences doesn't really help his case.
Chapter
1
As
I still stand at my window, thinking about the officers, someone
passes by me. The cold air stays in the same spot, but slowly
disappears. “Who’s there?” I ask, but no answer. I look around,
but I don’t see anything. Right before I get back to the
window, I see something in the corner of my eye. Its… horns? I go
back to the spot. Nothing there. I go to get my shotgun in my
basement. I still remember that horrific day. They killed my father,
and I killed them. I killed them with their own. I killed them.
KILLED them.
Here our narrator writes. In a
different format. Similar to if he was ADHD. Oh sorry, I was just
copying the same format as the narrator. Seriously, not only is he
emotionless but he cannot FUCKING FOCUS on a single topic. It's
ridiculous.
As
I go back in the basement where my shotgun was, I see footsteps on
the ground. I ignore them and keep moving. I open the cupboard to
where my gun was and… IT’S GONE.
Man, I can't wait for the explanation
to the cause of the narrator's ADD episode.
I
hurry back to upstairs, where I hear thumping. I grab a vase, and
slowly go toward the thumping. Then, I hit whatever it is in the
head. It goes down to the ground, covered in blood. “**** it,
David!!!” he said. I saw his face and noticed them it was the
head of officers in Uria, Major Calrone.
FUCKING EXCUSE ME
What was the horns? The cold spot? The
thumping? When people walk, it doesn't sound like thumping, it sounds
like footsteps. He tries so hard its almost as if I was trying
to allure to the fact that it was a monster but then make it
something else--
Oh wait, that's exactly what I did.
Instead of being really sneaky and general with my words like you're
supposed to, however, I just made it seem like it was going the
complete opposite way to the point where it WAS going the complete
opposite way until I changed it at the last minute.
” Sorry,
sir.” I said. “I didn’t mean-” “**** you, if I could,
I would kill you with your own ****ing rifle right now!!!” he
interrupts.
Them censors.
Then
I look at him. He looks at me. “Sorry, son.” he says, “Go
upstairs with the shotgun while I board up the windows and doors.”
“But
why? Whats happening?” I ask.
What? Are we actually going to get a
non-half assed explanation to what's going on? Impossible!
“Its
the president. He wants everyone near the far side of the moon, which
means Uria and Sulnan, to defend themselves.” “What, a
upcoming alien invasion?” I joke, but Calrone has a
serious look on his face. “David” he says. “The police found
them.” “Are they alive?” I ask. “No,” he says.
“They’ve been cut in half.”
I've
seen some really anti-climatic stuff. I've seen anti-climatic movie
points, anti-climatic twists, but nothing, NOTHING could prepare me
for how anti-climatic the end of this chapter is. Really? “They've
been cut in half”? Could you really think of NOTHING better than
that?
Chapter
2
Oh boy.
Me
and Ryan keep walking to the station.”So, how long have you been in
the force?” Ryan said, his leg still bleeding. “I was never in
the force.” I reply. “Then how did you get that shotgun?” asked
Ryan. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want too. It didn’t
seem right.
Wait, excuse me if I'm wrong, but where
we last left off weren't we with Calrone? Who's this guy? What
station? Besides the leg this is pretty much the exact opposite- oh
no, wait, he hit him in the head. In that case it IS the exact
opposite ordeal that we were going through last chapter. Thankfully,
our narrator is still being horribly bad at being mysterious and
still ADD.
We
arrive at the Gas Station. I try to open the door, put it
doesn’t budge. “Doors locked.” I say. ” ****
knobbed doors” Ryan says, and with a mighty kick of the foot
that isn’t wounded, knocks down the door.
I'm almost positive this would make him
fall.
We
keep looking around, but see no one. “Hello?” we say together at
once. We look everywhere, but finally I hear Ryan say ” David, I
think you got to take a look at this.” We go over to the register
counter, and find something disturbing.
“He’s
dead” Ryan says, “Poor guy”. On the ground, there was a
dead body, which had a name tag that said “Jim”. “Poor Jim.”
Ryan says. “Hey whats that..” I say. Ryan lifts up the body and
we both gasp.On his stomach, the numbers 588 were
carved into it. “Oh my god, They got him.”
Do
I even need to explain why this is bad? This is pretty much the
equivalent of basic 4th
grade writing, especially the “Hey whats that...” part.
Seriously? Also, the second time a chapter has ended in a horrible
climax.
Chapter
3-14
Oh
thank god, finally the summary.
As
you know, a group of colonists live at outposts on the Moon, some did
on Mars, also. The Earth was destroyed NOT because
of the drug, what David thinks.
Man I'm glad that was cleared up,
though I'm pretty sure there was no mention of Mars outposts and
David (who I am assuming is the narrator) didn't think the Earth was
destroyed.
Have
you ever heard movie previews for The Road? Thats what the story is
like.
So basically not only did I try to make
this story completely with shock filler but I actually copied it off
of someone else's shock filler. Classy.
Calrone
gets killed by whatever those things are, and then it is only Ryan
and David, living to go no where. Then that changes, when they found
a girl named Bess. Yeah, to make the long story short, they become
the only humans on the moon, Ryan kills Bess and eats her, and David
does the same to Ryan, and then David shoots himself. That’s the
summary.
Yep,
that's some pretty plan shock filler. Though I have no idea how that
relates to The Road in any
way but the fact that it's shock filler, but I'm sure a connection
was made somewhere along the line. Also I love how the summary
explains less than 20% of the actual story, but besides that I think
it's ready to go to another story. Next time. Eventually.
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Twitter: @CodexofAegis
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